vain

i was planning of editing this blog but well, as you can see my dear friend, i have depletion of ideas, and time too, may i add.
i guess, that pretty much what i was planning to post for today. with that, i thank you for giving me your time to read my mundanely post.

i chose to get back up.

right here at this moment, i feel like everything is falling apart. everything; whatever I've planned, my studies, my life, everything, is falling apart. this forlornness, this emptiness inside my head, is making me adrift. this sadness, this tear, this pout, every facial expression, is all fake. i don't know what i am going to do, or what choice do i have left, but what i know and what i hold on to is this ;

Sahih International

And conceal your speech or publicize it; indeed, He is Knowing of that within the breasts.

thank you Allah for making me stand up and fight back for whatever circumstances I am facing with. thank you Allah for never leaving me whenever i need you. thank you Allah for still putting Your trust in me. thank you Allah for never let me go. thank you Allah for giving me all this turbulence so that i realize how i have forgotten you, how i have neglected You, while You are patiently waiting for me to come back to You. You are the Most Merciful. thank you Allah for making myself realize that You know best. 
I must say that all this while, i have been growing up silently, without me noticing it. by that i mean, i am stronger now, i feel stronger, i feel wiser. though i get my heart broken because of those homesickness and exam stress, but i never let my tears fall down for the whole world to see. i know i have this unbreakable and uncontrollable hormonal imbalance, but somehow i feel like i am more mature in handling it. you know how homesick i am today? how sad i was just now? did you know how my heart cried inside? how my internal spirit got chewed up and broken into pieces? did you know how my teeth nibble every single courage i have left? you didn't know, did you? i managed to hide everything from human beings, i vividly remember how i pulled myself from the social circle and went to washroom and wipe away the pool of tears on my eyes. i strictly compelled myself to not cry in front of my friends. with that, i am proud of myself because i feel like i have turned into this stronger powerful woman that can cope or handle her things on her own hands. thank you Allah for whispering to me silently telling me that You will never let me, us, alone, because You are The Most Merciful. alhamdulillah. 

I know, if i am to compare myself with anyone else, i might end up depressed and got all psychological disturbed, so if i am able to let go and never look down on myself, that would be great. because truth to be told, i hate comparing myself with others. i always implant all the negativity inside of me which brings me to become all inferior, which matter of fact, i abhor so much. i know, if i let myself compare, i will always know that i am never going to be that good like this person, i will never be that kind like the other, i will never be that generous, that humble like the other, all those nevers make me cripple! so, i come to an agreement to never judge the others and I, to just appreciate myself more and never ever compare. i write on this imaginary miniature note in my mind of my new hippocratic oath that i will never let myself compare what's not to compare, i will never look down on myself too significantly, i will never complain, i will learn to be wiser and more generous, i will learn to never give up in whatever circumstances, or whatever tests that screwing my paths. yes. i will love myself as much as i love myself, ha ha.

now, back to text books, so ciao.

a girl's heart

this is what happen when a girl who is stuck in a land of loneliness and boredom and troublesome, with a little bit of exam stress and a hungry stomach ;

she edited a photo of her own clicked with meagre knowledge and tactics involving photography, and pour tit bits of what she felt. she knows at this point of time, where exam is only in about few hours, where she has to cram everything and haemorrhage her brain with everything she can read or understand, still, she can't possibly brush off the homesickness away.

 

choosing is difficult

I'm in dilemma. care to help?

to buy either : 1. ipad or 2. digital SLR , if and only if i pass my exam.

to wear or not : braces. - i am scared of dentist, let alone any dental treatment. yes. I am a scaredy cat like that.

to pick only one, only ONE! you hear that Aisyah? : 

or 

oh honey, I know, I know. I might get others loss their sights, what with all the sparkles and glitters. but I don't give too much care now do I? I am the kinda girl who wears sparkling things and who likes to be all princess-y. the watches look YUM!

to eat more of : 1. vegetables or 2. fruits. I am in the mood of reducing my weight. I want to be like those skinny girls who probably vomit what they eat (to put up a more nerdy version, I would say, anorexic girls. but hey, a lengthy post is what i intend to make) just to gain those long skinny legs resembling electrical wires. sarcastic much? and exactly, I am also the type of girl who will never satisfy and refrain from talking when it comes to weight. I will complain, nag, blab, just name it! i intend to lose weight in a nick of time with less need of exercises because exercise needs dedication, in which i seem to lack. so, i planned to be a full time vegetarian but my plan sucked. so i switched to pseudo-vegetarian, then again, I failed. to never give up, I found another alternative; I was hoping to eat more of either fruits or veges. they say that fruits are not real dietary type of food because they contain quite high amount of sugar, is it so? but to eat veges as simple as eating crispy nachos in the room alone is not as easy as clipping your nails, as I am raised in a family who takes a lot of protein and cannot withstand more than 2days of no-meat day. also to add more points to my self-argument, fruits are more delicious and more easy for the go right? it's not like you can carry spinach with one hand and carrot on the other, if you don't want to look like Popeye the sailor man, that is. but people won't be really busy commenting you if you hold apple on one hand and strawberry on the other, am i right or am i right? ah, screw you sugars! i feel like rebelling my diet plan and buy plenty of bags full with sugary goodness, and lots and lots of Jelly Beans!


 the most difficult(for me at least) question to answer : how can people manage to finish reading their novels within a week?!!!!



 

my fish died, again!

this is the time of the year where i keel over every 5 minutes, where i check my news feed every 10 minutes, where i stalk photos of everyone i followed on Instagram, where i feel like reading and completing my novels! I did sound busy huh? well guess what? to add more salt to the wound, this is the time of the year where exams are approaching, where you have to crammed my heas, bulge my eyes refraining from shutting both the lids completely as to fall asleep. this is the time of the year where every second counts, where hefty books are the best companion. this is the time of the year where everything feels so wrong, the environment seems shady, the room feels messy, the foods look unappealing, the this, the that, well, everything doesn't feel quite right. yes humans, that what exams do to us. but what is life without test? what is study without exams? what is human without obstacles? what is happiness without pain?
we must fail to learn success, sad to appreciate happiness, pain to learn life, lose in order to gain, hurt in order to grow.

oh, i feel sad. you know why? because more of my fish died today! it shocked me! it flabbergasts me to know how easily a life can get ripped away just like that. blame the oxygen machine! the tube keeps on tercabut and this time it went on for almost 7hours! sorry loves. i felt like crying. now i am still mourning, mind you. i was very sad because i put up to much care and love in order for me to learn to pet. i was very into petting animals, fish is the easiest of them all. but still, i have lost too much in just less than two weeks time. it saddens me! the moment i came back from college, my fish are the first thing that came to my mind. call it intuition or whatever, but my instinct got me right this time that there was something wrong with the tube and there they were, floating upside down with complete muscles spasm. that got me freaked out. not just me, my housemates too. we were freaking out! i almost got tears held up in my eyes but i refrained myself from crying over my lovely fish. i am sorry. now i feel like i am a Hitler's doppelganger, oh, sorry, more like his twin. i am sorry. i really am. sob.

i am going to shower now.

to be wiser

that is my aim starting from... now onwards. 

so, exams are coming up. i am fretting, keeping my mind busy with the thought of it, but truth to say, i actually did nothing to kill the anxiety. it is bad! real bad! since in order to pass these examinations, i need to work my ass off, focus and keep my priorities in check. it is as simple as that. but i seemed to lack those spirits, those time managements, those hard works. by lack i mean, really behind. i guess you of all people, who are having exams just around the corner, saying hi to you, waving happily to welcome you, must be knowing too because i bet you feel the way i feel too, am i right? i know, us being the typical medical students only need to know the superficial thing about everything ( i like to say it's superficial since we tend to use the simplest and the thinnest text books available, instead of the thick and heavy books to lug around here and there. so it's superficial. shut up and don't argue), also we don't have to process nitty-gritty about all those terms, treatments, pathogenesis, yadda yadda, still, exams are big things you know, because by the time exams are nearing, you will suddenly notice that we actually have so much to read, so many chapters to cover in so little time! yes, all of us feel the same way, i bet. but hey, guess what, learning is a perpetual process. you'll never stop learning till the day you die, till your cardiac stops functioning. even after you are a so-called doctor, you are still continuing to learn. so, to not make this post to be lengthy, let's put it this way. just keep on doing what you are doing, by that i mean, surviving as a person, and keep your faith intact. that is all.

i am generous in wishing others, so, good luck everyone and I! my exam is on Wednesday, and have i mentioned that i freak out? yup. i freak out!

i feel like a loser. now i am going to bang my head and go study. taa

happy sunday!

“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” - Rumi.

hello everyone.

OK. bye.

obsessing too much it makes me bloated

i am currently obsessing with the twisted relationship between Klaus and Caroline. they look so good together, even on the real world i presume. i has switched team now, i am now on Klaroline team, if i am to be sounded like a dumb that is. 

 why they have to be too sweet that even a non-diabetic patient cannot withstand the sugary taste of their sweetness. yeah, i am jealous.


' Tyler is now free to return to Mystic Falls'- Klaus
'what?'- Caroline
'he's your first love, i intend to be your last, however long it takes'- my sweet handsome very charming, Klaus

now i am going to weep and drool over Klaus (and his British accent of course. don't you hear marrying a guy with British accent is what MOST people want? i know i definitely do!) 
p.s : Klaus looks extra charming and very very meticulous, and not to mention, handsome!! oh, those dimples (and the accent) are to die for!

i am doomed

sad news : two of my fish died! and i was very sad! i mourned for a minute and consoled the others for about 10-15 minutes. i was sad.

more sad news : i can't sleep, not in the insomniac way, but mine is because i have a lot in my mind right now. they keep revolving around my cerebellum and they keep me aroused every time i convinced myself to go sleep for tomorrow.

don't act like you aren't surprised if you see me walking like the weary old woman. and don't act like you are curious or anything. curiosity is for cats.

so, bye.

am a proud woman. sniff sniff.

 i am very excited so i am going to waste my precious 5 minutes!
so i bought new pet! it was a sudden split second that i decided to own a pet and i was feeling all lovely and dearly. immediately, without any hesitation nor doubt, i went to search for whatever i felt like petting! well, i was hoping to owning kittens, but well, i could if only Mei Yee won't locked me outside the house. that left me with either chickens or birds. but after moments of logical thinking, i was kidding with myself to own chickens. hello! chickens? inside apartment?!! i was really absolutely trying to make fun of myself and be happy about it. it's not like i told others about my plan. like i said, everything was too abrupt, very acutely planned, i didn't even let myself to think twice even for two seconds! i just let the thought of buying pet barged in my frame of mind, then whoosh, i let my skeletal muscles worked out to find pet stores! when i reached one of the three pet stores, i found these cute colorful small birds-sorry, i am too bad in identifying species, kingdoms even, of animals. so lets just keep it at 'small birds'- which made me excited for an instance. but then i convinced myself that i couldn't and wouldn't be able to pet birds, since they are too leceh and they produce banyak sangat poops! not to mention they are very chirpy! so, no. sorry birds. i still love you though. upon my entrance to this one pet store, i found these shiny-colorful-beautiful-active small guppies with unique tails! and blue neon! oh, blue neon, they are just....neon-y! to make story short, i am now a successful penternak ikan, i have lots of fishes and i am very proud of myself right now that i inhale so deeply that my nose cartilages expand fully to the maximum elasticity they could bear. what? this is the first time that i actually manage my pet on my own, so i would appreciate if you just shut up and let me brag a little with a few sprinkles of exaggerations.

ah, if only i have done my Community record earlier, then i would have the time to transfer photos of my aquarium and upload it here. so later i guess.

toodaloooooooooooooooooooo!

my political views and everything else

finally, my Facebook newsfeed is more free from all those political issues and breeze in more and more of Happy Mother's day wishes rather. to be honest, i wasn't that much into reading their comments or critics about PRU13, about the leaders, about BN's supporters or opposition's supporters, everything about politics in that matter. it makes me sick to watch them make chaos and mayhem with each other, to say who is right and who isn't, well, you are in no position to claim that you are right either. just because you are for BN, that doesn't mean you are correct that BN is all good and the opposition is not. just because you are for the opposition doesn't mean the opposition is all good either. each one has their own flaws. like everyone says, there is no human perfect, so thus political party. not because you are all into one side of the party, means that the other party has no supporter at all. just because you keep posting on Facebook about all the bad about the other party, keep on copy-pasting everything everyone else posted, with you being unsure whether it is an actual fact or just some exaggerated or some make up stories, doesn't mean that the other party has no one in their circle of trust at all. you see, some people are just afraid to raise up their voice and speak up. some just doesn't bother to waste their time to riot on the streets because they rather enjoy their good lunches accompanied with ice creams and strawberries with their families. some just log out their Facebook accounts to set their heads free from all the political traffic jams and keep silence on everything. i say, they are the real mature. they are the real voters. they have fairness in themselves, they have trust and they have their own opinions and their own rights. they are the people that can really judge well based on a wider perspective and a deep logical thinking, not just simply vote because that's what their parents voted or what they assumed to be best to lead. if Facebook is more with people like that, the real mature, I'd say my head is not gonna be too tangled and it will going to be more easy breezy cheesy. in case you are wondering, i don't really step on any of the party and voice out my opinions loud enough that even the people with hearing problems could hear. i don't keep myself busy rioting on the streets and cause chaos and all. i don't keep my Facebook page jammed with all my copy-pasted posts. i don't beat any of the parties. i just don't do what they did, e,g: beating people simply because they think it is justice, wasn't so sure to investigate whether all those khabar berita are true or not or make few more enemies because the previous enemies weren't enough and they need more. what i did was, watch and learn. made up few hypotheses and kept it to myself. be for anyone who wants to rule the country with peace and justice, presiding the government with putting the people first, not because to gain people's money and live in luxury. you see, i like my country  so much that i keep homesick-ing every few minutes, so i like my country to be a country that people within it truly believe that they are together, no racism issues ignited, no more fights and beatings and wars. just live simple and harmony that they can share ice creams together, or maybe lollipops, and eat dinner together in nice restaurants or open houses. that sound wayyyy more cool.



so, today is Mother's day, though every day is mother's day, they just need one day to really show their mothers theirs affections, loves, care, appreciations. they just need that one day to really actually celebrate mothers. so be it today. i love my mother so Happy Mother's Day mom. you know i love you right? i will always love you no matter what. my love for you is undivided, not reserved and unconditional! the phone calls and the video calls make me miss you all the more. i feel like sneak into the phone speaker's hole and hug you so tightly that there is no air in between that separates us. i love you.

everything means nothing

i titled this post randomly, just so you know.

after a moment of web-window-shopping(does that word exist? but you get my point don't you?), or OK, if you must, let me put it in a better light, i rummaged through few online shopping websites to serve my hunger of shopping spree (Mysore doesn't provide that much of shopping malls you know, and even if there are few malls available, the choices are limited for my taste, or trends) and what i came out with were pretty much adorable things and i was proud to burn my time just like that. sarcastic much? and to satisfy your curiosity, no, i didn't buy any of them, because, well, i am trying to save here, if i am to survive another two months, that is. the truth is, if you search deep into my wounded heart, you'll find the fear that i contain, that i bear, that i keep intact, thus preventing me from shopping online. i am so much fine to go out for shopping sprees, on my own feet rather than getting my things parceled. and to act like a health-concerned individual, i might say that it is probably best if you actually go out shop than just tiring your eyes to search and buy things online because, when you walk, you can absolutely burn some calories there, and you can walk fast too, take that as a credit. walking fast is a cardio exercise, mind you! so if you can't afford treadmill like i am, so i guess, shopping then? it is a delightful alternative! i am so proud to be woman! why, you ask? technically, woman has more effort, more spirits, more enthusiasm in shopping than a guy does, if my basic instinct is correct, that is.

i don't really mind if anybody out there wants to get involved in any business-y online things, that includes Herbalife, Shawl shops, Shoes shops, anything they want to sell online. i am highly annoyed in populations that so much critic, or condemn in that matter, for the persons who want to get involved in this kind of selling. it's a trend now right, for men to have six packs, or for women to have great butts, it's the deal now right? there are so many Facebook pages showing plenty of people showing off their muscular bodies (and i somehow am jealous, sometimes). what i am saying is that, if you don't want to buy what they sell, just get your mouths shut and just walk away! stop with all the hatred you bombard, people have enough troubles to bear on their hands already, so don't let your criticisms burden them too. like i said, just zip your mouths and go. other people won't mind if you suture your big fat mouth and keep the thoughts to your own. pun intended!

note to self.

for the record, all i know is that i am sad, to the core. i need my family by my side. i need people that care about me, who'd jump over the bridge to save my ass, who'd punch whoever bully me. seriously, i am wounded.

right at this moment, i want to be a small kid, infant sounds better, so that i don't have to worry about anything in the world, not even considering the weight gain after eating a bowl of chocolate ice creams with excessive chocolate sauce and peanuts! it is so much fun when you all you have to do is goof around, not having to scratch your head about studies, enemies, people who love to see you break down, hypocrites, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. etc. 

i really need my mom's hugs and kisses right now! God, i feel very terribly wounded inside. it's like my heart bleeds pain and horror, my liver secretes homesick toxin and my brain interprets everything into 'wanting to be home'.

please be strong Aisyah.

election and Malam Selingkar.

me : ibu, g undi tak arini?

ibu : baru je nak pegi. tadi teman ayah g undi kat Nilai. now ibu pulak wants to undi kat KL.

me : why ibu undi kat KL? nape ayah kat Nilai ibu kat KL?

ibu : sebab ibu tak tukar alamat lagi. ayah dah tukar da..

me : oh. ibu ibu (gaye manje), ibu undi sape?

ibu : HESH. undi ibu RAHSIA!

me : T,T

and here i am, worrying, anticipating, hyperventilating about what's going on there in Malaysia, it being election period and all. i know i showed the least care to what happen with all those corruptions, fights, tongue biting arguments there in my own country, but still, i do care! because what happen now will decide how future is likely to be. who hold the upper hands will hold the entire community, nation even. and for our future generations, what happen now is somehow going to affect them and for us to having a better nation, voting is required. so go vote people! i don't mine which team wins, either the 'ini kalilah' team wins or the 'lain kalilah' team wins, what i hope is that our Malaysia will be back to a country of peace, harmony and tranquility. no more bribe. no more wars. no more foreigners with bad motives. no more rape cases. no more murdering cases. let the polices rest a little bit, let them enjoy their time with their families happily. let the guns remain in the stores, don't let the bullets waste, don't let blood spill. whewh, blood is important you know! i rather advice people to go donate their blood then let it spill over stupid fights or wars! donating blood can help other people survive in the very least. anyhow, worrying about elections is getting me haemorrhage! i feel like my synovial fluid is going to ooze out and paralyze my limbs! i need to know the results fast!

anyway, yesterday was an annual event for us Malaysians-Mysore, which we call Malam Selingkar Kasih. the place was awesome, thank you to our new president who came up with the idea of using that place to serve the purpose of our get-together-party. what surprised me the most was how sporting our juniors were! they gave us THREE performances which were super amazing! i wondered how much practices they had, or how their hearts managed to wash the fear and nervousness away. none the less, they were awesome! and again, very sporting! very like who-cares-we-just-wanted-to-entertain-people and guess what, they succeeded! i could never get the self-confidence they had to sing alone in front of so many people. if i put myself in their shoes, i am going to faint and have a shock attack, i presume. i saluted them for having such spirits. 

junior.

with juniors.

i look like a monster.

with kak mimi, one of the interns.

what is picture without us here and there?

super cool from super juniors!

asida and adila

super juniors.

puffy!

i like my tudung very much.